I hope you will take the time to read this long post of mine.
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I have wanted to address a certain topic for a while now, but haven't mustered up enough courage or found the right words to say. This subject can be sensitive to alot of people and some may or may not take it the wrong way. I will do my best to explain my feelings with keeping everyone else's feelings in mind. But just know, that I have an open mind and am not suggesting one way or another, or telling people what they should or shouldn't do. I am simply just sharing my feelings.
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With that being said, I will start with an experience that I had a few months ago that my mind hasn't been able to let go of since. A girl I know (let's call her "A") told me that one of her friends ("B") was pregnant. This was an unplanned surprise to everyone, even the pregnant girl. "A" told me that "B" was planning on keeping the baby and being a single mom, and the father would be out of the picture. Long story short......"A" starting talking about how "B" always looks at my pictures with Ellie and sees how happy I am and how our situation turned out to be good and that it gives her hope.
I could not believe what I was hearing. I was in shock. I told "A" that I really wanted to talk with "B" to comfort her and be there for her (coming from the same situation myself) but most of all....let her know that yes, she might see all the happy, fun pictures of Ellie and I-because we definitely do have fun, happy times! But, that having a baby so young and especially being a single parent is not all that blissful all the time.
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Let me explain...I got pregnant unexpectedly before I was married. Ben and I looked into an adoption agency and looked through dozens of couples' portfolios. We even picked out possible parents for Ellie. I prayed and prayed for an answer with what to do with this child. I eventually came to the conclusion that I felt like I would have regretted placing Ellie for adoption. Nothing against adoption....I feel like adoption is such an amazing blessing for everyone involved. It blesses the lives of couples who aren't able to have children, and also shows incredible strength, courage, and selfless love towards the mother for placing her child for adoption. I have incredible respect towards mothers who give their child a life that they felt they could not give to their child.
Ben and I decided to keep Ellie. It was a hard decision, but we felt it was what we should do.
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I have a hard time talking about my feelings that I have had since Ellie has been born. I feel extremely blessed to have her in my life. Since having her, I cannot imagine my life without her! Children are incredible blessings and are wonderful, amazing beings that enrich our lives to another level. Of course after having Ellie, I am glad that I kept her. But who would be mad that they kept their child?
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I am telling you all of this to set some things straight. Having a child this young isn't all happy-go-lucky. Of course babies are Fun! They are cute and once you have one of your own, you will understand that you just want to take a picture of every little thing that they do. Ellie and I have alot of fun times together, and I love sharing them. BUT...that does NOT mean that raising a child at a young age, (let alone any age!) isn't hard! I have had so much help and support from friends and family, I don't think I would have been able to do it without them. In fact, I know I couldn't. Babies are extremely expensive and hard work.
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I have realized that I seem to try and convey to everyone how happy and perfect we are, maybe because I don't want people to know the imperfections or the struggles that I have because that makes me look weak, or gives people the right to say, "I told you so!" But in reality, I have realized that I need to show my imperfections, and that it is okay to have sad days and show it. I have had some of the hardest months raising Ellie; seeing all of my friends go to parties or events that I am unable to go to, or having my friends wanting to go see a movie and I can't go because I have a new responsiblity to take care of Ellie, or not being able to spend my paycheck on that cute new outfit for myself because I have to pay for diapers, clothes, day care, medicine, toys, carseats, high chairs, bottles, binkies, doctor bills, hospital bills, insurance, shoes, formula and food for Ellie. Not being able to do or experience alot of the things a normal 21 year old should experience. Not being able to sleep in. EVER. Not being able to keep my dream job.
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I am not perfect. We are not perfect. Nor do I want anyone to think that my life is perfect. I am going to start embracing my imperfections and start writing about them and sharing them. Because that is the real truth.
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Don't get me wrong, I will still post about mine and Ellie's happy times, because we have alot of them! But I don't want anyone to think for a second, that we are perfect or that it worked out perfectly for Michelle and Ellie. Because truth is, it is NEVER easy getting pregnant at a young age. I have come to the realization that neither route you take is an easy one. (adoption or keeping your child.) So the best answer is: safe sex! or birth control! or abstinence!. . . just kidding.......but really i'm not. ;)
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Back to my point. I will state again, that I have an open mind and that I am not suggesting to people one way or another-or telling people what they should or shouldn't do if they were to ever find themselves in this situation. I am simply just sharing my feelings. I want people to know that no one is perfect. No matter how much you think they are, they aren't.
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That is why I LOVE this article called "The Disease called Perfection". My amazing sis-in-law shared it with me, and it hits everything right on the spot. It gave me inspiration to share all of these things that I did. I am going to start embracing my imperfections and my mistakes and stop hiding them. I am going to be real.
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Please take time to read the article HERE. .
I hope that the more I strive to be honest and real... the more comfortable people will feel coming to me and talking with me about their problems, concerns, or feelings.
We made it to the saddle!
